Published on January 15th, 2016 | by Magalie Lopez0
The Frog and the bison: stereotypes…
A short explanation about the title of this article: unintentionally, I cumulate the fact of being French and having the frog as a totem animal (when I was born, a midwife compared me with a frog… because of my long legs).
To write this article which deals with French clichés about their American neighbors (integrated with bison because it is one of America’s emblematic animals), I imagined a story like Walt Disney’s.
Once upon a time, a frog sat on a waterlily (the city of Lyon) in the middle of its pond (France) among its amphibian friends (French people). One day, at school, the frog heard a teacher talking about a huge country populated with bison.
That country had different names like: the United States of America, North America or the USA… Which was the right one? The frog didn’t know.
The old frogs were madly in love with the bison; they affectionately nicknamed them: “the Ricans”. “The Ricans liberated us from the black eagle, they said. They brought us chewing gum! they croaked, and rock’n’roll! ”
A rooster walking near the pond heard the frogs’ conversations and decided to chime in because, according to him, they were all wrong. “Ladies, I regret to inform you that you are in the most total error concerning bison and I’m going to tell you the truth. First of all, you have to be aware that all the bison are big! What did I say, not only big but huge. This is called obesity. Their belly touches the ground and so does the fat of their chin.
Instead of grazing the good grass of their fields, they prefer to swallow tons of what they call Burgers… yes, they are cannibals (even if the ox is only a cousin)! To wash down the tons of burgers and French fries in their stomachs, they don’t drink water from rivers but they drink a sort of magic potion, sticky, sweet and gaseous that makes them do monstrous burping! ”
Surprised, the little frog said: “But, they can’t all be big? That’s impossible!”
“Almost all, answered the rooster, but not all indeed. When they are not big, they are very very muscular (for males) and padded with a kind of rubber they call silicone (for breasts and lips of females). They sun themselves in order to have a dark coat. Some female bison have their skull coat as yellow as corn that grows everywhere there.”
The dean of the pond intervened: “those who came to chase the black eagle when I was young weren’t like that at all!” “It was the old generation,” answered the rooster, the one who ate only popcorn. “But, that generation was already brutal! Didn’t they land here with their hands full of lethal weapons?” “Well, you should know that now, in the country of the bison, each of them, even the youngest (in kindergarten), owns a weapon! Not only a Swiss knife (like MacGyver) but mostly guns and rifles as we see in their movies! Besides, speaking of their movies, explosions everywhere, muscles (again), silicone (always), weapons and bad words: their favourite one they use in many cases, begins with an F. and they even use it to talk about something they love! They often make a strange gesture with this F. word. They extend the longest finger of their hand and leave the others bent.” (Yes, bison have hands… this is my article, so I get to write what I want, f***!)
The little frog added that her people also loved this gesture pretty much but only as an insult (between drivers). The rooster didn’t listen and carried on. “Bison are also very kind, very welcoming. They easily open their arms but less easily their heart and the females bison kiss who they want, when they want… but they never lead away the kissed bison in a dark corner of the field to… well… you know!
About female bison, you have to know that they moo very loudly! Male bison are probably deaf, I don’t know, however if they’re not already deaf, they’ll surely become deaf soon!”
The dean frog talked again: “It reminds me of my Jason, the handsome bison I met for the Liberation. He spoke loudly and to silence him I taught him the art of French kissing. However, I’ve never understood why, while visiting Paris, he kept on saying “Europe is a beautiful city!”
“That’s because they are stupid, strutted the rooster, causing a buzz of astonishment and indignation among the frogs… and a few small sardonic laughs from the bottom of the pond.
Well, they’re not all like that but most of them only know their own country and think that the world stops at the borders of the USA. Their country is so big that it’s sufficient in itself, they think! There, everything is disproportionate: cars, houses, people and their egos…”
“Do you know that bison are so weird that they worship money, materialism (who has the biggest?), weapons and war while being very religious? They are also very puritanical. No bad words on TV before 11pm (but after that: f***!), smoking is not good (and they’re right! e.d.)”
Proud of himself in front of his speechless public, the rooster started to laugh loudly (so, an American laugh) and the little frog became angry!
“Enough, Gallic rooster!” she shouted, “Just look at the belly button you don’t have instead of criticizing without knowing! I’m leaving immediately to check all that!”
After filling out a form full of strange questions about what she did during World War II (she wasn’t born yet!) and about her terrorist activities (pardon?), she jumped on the first plane for the bison country.
At the airport, she was “welcomed” by big bison who didn’t laugh at all and asked her questions again, without a smile and very severely. Shaking, the frog answered yes or no and eventually, the bison, without the shadow of a smile, said: “Welcome to the United States of America!”
Before leaving France, the rooster had added that, even if the country is huge, there are only two cities: New York and Hollywood… so, her trip will be short.
So, on the streets of New York, she hailed a yellow cab and decided to visit Hollywood, wondering how many minutes it’ll take to go there.